El reflejo en el espejo

He aquí algo que redacté después de algunos acontecimientos de Agosto 2009


Desperté cerca de las 5am aquel día, el frío era el indicador de que la felicidad me visita en Invierno.
Recuerdo haber preparado todo minuciosamente, sin olvidar el último detalle.
Pensé que vería llamadas perdidas en mi celular pero no, supongo que era muy tarde cuando llegó a casa.
El día de trabajo fue un poco tenso, honestamente tenía el celular a la vista, esperando una llamada o un mensaje; pero cerca de la 1pm, mensaje recibido: Era él.
La sonrisa volvió a mi rostro, mis mejillas se tornaron rosadas y creo que hasta comencé a temblar.
Él venía a verme a la salida del trabajo, no podía creer que 2 años después volvería a verlo en el mismo lugar, era demasiado para mi.
Vendría un poco retrasado (raro en él) pero llegaría al fin y al cabo, no tuve que esperar mucho para ver su hermosa humanidad de nuevo, fue el abrazo más dulce que me dieron y los besos en la frente más tiernos del mundo. (Si, cursi)
Cuando tomó de mi mano para caminar, me sentí más feliz y cuando estuvimos en el bus camino a casa sus besos me quitaron el aliento. (Más cursileria, demasiado azúcar para mi :/)

Lo ví sonreir demasiadas veces en una sola tarde, dormí abrazada a su pecho y me sentí libre de ser yo misma, sin apariencias, sólo yo y él y nada ni nadie me va a quitar las mejores horas de mi vida.
Aunque ahora ya no quede nada, aunque ahora ya no estés, aunque ahora ni si quiera sé si estás bien o mal, aunque ahora te extrañe más que nada.
Aunque quiera arrepentirme de todo por el dolor que siento, no puedo, no puedo salir, es demasiado, no lo soporto.

Todos dicen que si uno quiere hacer algo lo hace, yo quiero con todas mis fuerzas dejar esto atrás pero es mucho más fuerte que yo, me vence y me tumba contra el suelo, no con tanta frecuencia pero es así.

A pesar de las circunstancias: Lo eres TODO!

Piedras

Vivimos o morimos?
Esa es la cuestion de cada dia, yo me conformo con el estado comatozo, el estado zombie, el que me mantiene los ojos abiertos durante el dia y los cierra por la noche.

como sobrevivos a tanto dolor en nuestro interior?
la verdad es que nadie sabe. Yo creo que en los sentimientos nunca ahy limites, siempre SIEMPRE puedes sentir mas y mas...
es infinito y vive dentro de nosotros, lo alimentamos, lo criamos, lo hacemos crecer, lo mimamos, lo mantenemos seguros del frio y la lluvia.
Y al final del camino nos damos cuenta de que no sirvio de nada!, tanta dicha, tanto dolor, no se compenzan por el momento...

Llegara el dia en que juntas miremos nuestros caminos, las piedras con las que tropezamos y nos sangramos las rodillas, sonreiremos y al menos tendremos el recordatorio y dicha de haber aprendido a crecer y a amar de la forma cual sea.

En un libro lei y aprendi algo totalmente cierto:
"En el amor nadie machaca a nadie, pues tu eres responsable de tus sentimientos ya que estos crecen dentro de ti, y no puedes culpar al otro por tu infelizidad"

Y finalmente pero no menos importante:
"Nadie posee a Nadie"

Por lo mientras me conformo con anestesiar un poco el dolor con musica, tazas de cafe y alguna que otra vez con un poco de alcohol.
Siempre necesitare el escape de la realidad.

Y lo peor dejá que yo me entero.

2010 y este blog anda olvidado pues cada una anda x su lado.
Tengo q venir a poner orden.
Demasiadas cosas, el 2009 ha sido el año remolino, muchas caidas, muchas cosas buenas, lecciones de vida (eso sonó a q estoy envejeciendo xD).
Extrañamente llego a la misma conclusión: Hay cosas para las cuales no estoy destinada.

Ya va a terminar el 1er mes del año y comienzo a hacer un pequeño balance: seudogastritis, un par de kilos menos, un poco más de optimismo, me aferro cual garrapata a las cosas que me hacen mejor cada día.
Podría decir que estoy subiendo poco a poco pero aún no puedo sonreir como quisiera.
Asumo que es cuestión de tiempo.



*Miss Delaney* o sea LA PRESI XD!


PD. Escriban, no sean vagasss!!

the first date!

The First Date
It all began when Elisa was browsing her friend’s MySpace then suddenly she saw a picture of this really cute guy. He called her attention so she added him; what she didn’t know was what was coming next. Normally when a person requests another person to be friends with, they don’t talk at all. But this was not the case.
The next day Elisa was checking her MySpace like she always does and she saw a message in her inbox and it was from Randy. She thought to herself “maybe he is asking who am I or why I added him without even knowing him”. But the message was completely different. “Hey you live in Pembroke Pines, by me”, Elisa didn’t know what he meant by that, and she replied “yeah, you look kind of familiar”. That’s all it took for them to build a nice friendship. As days went by and with them in constant communication, an important day of his life came up, it was Randy’s birthday. Still messaging through MySpace, Elisa sent him a message “hey!! Happy birthday, hope you have fun, and be safe… any plans?”
He replied “thank you =], I might go to the Hard Rock with some friends to see how my luck goes”.
“Oh good, well good luck and don’t spend too much!! =]”.
“If luck is with me hopefully I won’t”.
That night she didn’t have any plans, and she wished she could be there with him. From the day she started talking to him, there was something in her that changed. All she could do the following days was just to smile the whole day, and her friends already knew the reason. When she talked to her friends to see what they were going to do, she suggested going to the Hard Rock because she knew Randy was going to be there, and thought maybe she’ll see him, and might be able to recognize him from his pictures. So they all decided they’d go to the Hard Rock. When they got there all Elisa could think about was if she was going to see Randy and instead of looking for her friends, she was looking for Randy.
The only thing with what Elisa wasn’t happy about was the fact that even though she gets to see him, there was no way she would let him know if she didn’t have the guts to talk to him. So she thought about the friend they have in common, Thay. Elisa took her phone, and looked for Thay’s number, and texted her asking her to please give her Randy’s number. The first thing she thought about doing with that number was to text him and let him know that she was there. But somehow she didn’t feel confident enough to be in front of him that day. Before she would start texting him, she had to find her friends first. So Elisa started walking faster to catch up with another friend that was in front of her. She looked up; she saw a familiar face with a group of people. Elisa couldn’t believe who was in front of her. It was Randy celebrating his birthday with his friends like he told her. Too bad Elisa didn’t have the guts to go up to him and say hi. She couldn’t believe seeing him there, having him not even 3 feet away, and walking in front of him wishing he might recognize her, but he didn’t. After all the adrenaline she felt after seeing him, she met up with her friends and just hangs with them.
After walking around almost in circles, they decided they’d go to a restaurant that was inside the premises, when they were inside; she took her phone, and looked at the new number she had stored. Elisa hit the send text option and sent a message to Randy. “Hey! It’s Elisa from MySpace, remember me?”
He replied “hey! How’s it going?”
“Hope it doesn’t bother you that I asked Thay for your number instead of asking you for it”
“Oh no don’t worry, I’m flattered”
“I saw you, but didn’t have guts to say hi :S, and you were with your friends”
“Aww you should’ve said hi at least, but it’s ok because I’ve had some drinks and I wouldn’t want you to see me like this”
“Oh ok, so how’s your birthday so far?”
“It’s good, I’m actually having fun, and I’ve lost 50 bucks already = [“
“well you might want to call it quits because you don’t want to spend more money =] “
“Lol yeah you’re right, I’m just walking around with my friends. Who are you with?”
“I’m with some friend at Johnny Rockets”
“Yeah I went by there earlier, and there were some fireworks and loud music”
“Yeah because there is a club right next to it LOl”
So as the night went on, they keep on talking via text messages. The next days were similar, somehow she didn’t like to talk too much on the phone, but she didn’t know why he wouldn’t call her. As days went by, they started talking on AIM, and they stated to make plans to meet each other. Randy once told her he would teach her how to play guitar and she was so excited about that because Elisa always wanted to learn how to play guitar. A few more days went by and they finally agreed to meet each other and see where their friendship goes. They decided to meet on a Sunday afternoon, the plan was for him to pick her up and just spend the afternoon together.
Elisa was really excited because it was her first date ever, and he was the kind of guys she always asked for. Randy was funny, charming, cute, and most important of all for her was his independency.
That Sunday afternoon, she heard her phone ring with a ringtone she has never heard before. When she saw who was calling, she was nervous because she was going to finally listen to Randy’s voice after weeks of talking only through texts, or online.
He asked her what time was ok for him to pick her up; she said that at 7:00 pm was ok. Randy called her back for directions to her house, and when she was finished, there was just an awkward silence. Then he said “so how do I know which apartment is it?” she replied “I’ll wait for you outside”. As she said she walked outside, ready to finally meet him, and was waiting for him to appear. After a few minutes of waiting, she got a phone call, it was Randy “I see you, see my car?” “Yeah I guess that’s you” and they finally met.
She got into the car, and saw his face one more time. She thought to her “this is too good to be true, if this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up”. Their eyes met, and there was just a silence for a few seconds. They shook hands, and he asked where to go. She mentioned a restaurant where they have hookahs, he agreed to go there and they were off to the place. On their way to the restaurant, they were talking about random stuff, about music, hobbies, etc. Elisa was having a good time, and it looked like Randy was also having a good time. As they talked, she noticed little details about him that made her like him more and more. In every subject they talked about, both of them were finding out that they did have things in common.
When they got the restaurant called Exotic Bites, Elisa went in like she was at her house because she has been to that place before, but it was Randy’s first time. With all the excitement that invaded Elisa’s body, it was hard for her to keep a straight face. When the waitress arrived, she said hi to her because she already knew her. They got the strawberry banana flavor for the hookah, and he ordered tea to drink. Elisa didn’t care about anything because she was living the moment of her life, she wasn’t going to let anybody ruin that moment for her. They were talking about everything, laughing, looking into each other’s eyes, and just enjoying the moment. Everything was perfect until a belly dancer came in, she knew that Randy was with somebody else, but didn’t care and she start dancing in front of him. Elisa felt so uncomfortable with that matter, and she could see in Randy’s face that he didn’t know where to look, or his date, or the belly dancer dancing.
After a few minutes, the belly dancer was done, and left. So due to the fact that the waitress already knew Elisa, she gave them an Egyptian dessert. Randy asked “what is this?” the waitress replied “ it is made of cheese, and coconut on top, hope you guys like it”. After tasting some, Elisa said “it is really good, thank you”.
After the waitress left, Randy looked at Elisa and smiled at her. They started eating the dessert and he said “it is too sweet, and I don’t like cheese too much”, Elisa replied “yea it is too sweet but if we don’t eat a little bit more, she might feel bad and she is not charging us for it”. He agreed with her, but neither of them could finish with the dessert for the sweetness. Throughout the time they spent at the restaurant, he was being a gentleman; he would pour the tea on Elisa’s cup and say he likes to do that. In her heart she knew he had her from the moment their eyes met, and by the things he would say to her.
From the talking they were doing prior to the date, they kind of agreed to go to the beach after going to the restaurant, so when they left Exotic Bites, they started walking to his car to go and spend some more time together at the beach. They took the long way to the car so they can spend some more time together, and get to know each other a little bit more. While they were walking Elisa said “have you ever been to Ra Sushi?” he replied “yes I have, I love that place”
“What is your favorite plate there?”“When I go there, the only thing I order is the Viva Las Vegas roll”
“Ohm, I’ve never tried it before, I always get the Philadelphia roll”
“You should try Viva Las Vegas, I highly recommend it”.
As they were walking they were talking, and laughing, and again having a good time. When they got to the car Randy asked “so what do you thing of my ride?” he was driving a gray 2005 Ford Focus, and Elisa replied “I really like it, before I got the car I drive now, I wanted a Focus so bad”. He just smiled and got in the car. When they were getting ready to ride, Randy noticed something on the window that scared him a lot. It was a spider, and he told Elisa, and they both were scared, but the good thing is that the spider was outside the car, and Randy said “well if we start driving, the spider might fly away with the air lol “. As they were heading to the beach, they knew each other a little bit more. They would talk about music, artists to see if maybe they had something in common.
When they got to the beach, they started walking and talking. Both of them felt a smell so strong that both of them Elisa and Randy quickly recognized what it was. “Ohm do you smell that?” Elisa asked, “Yea I do, where is it coming from?” Randy replied.
“I don’t know but is really strong”
“Yea but is kind of weird. Is like it was…”-quickly Elisa said-“mixed with something”
“Damn girl, is like you were reading my mind”…
“Oh yea, I didn’t tell you, I’m psychic hahaha”
“Oh yea... tell me what I’m thinking right now…”
“Your thinking... ohm... you know what your thinking, why do you want me to tell you haha”
“Because you said you were psychic”
As they were walking, they were getting closer and closer. They got tired of walking and stopped but the sand and sat down facing the ocean. He put his arms around her, but unintentionally she ignored that gesture completely, so he had to put his arm down.
“Oh my, look how beautiful the moon reflects on the water” Elisa said
“Yea your right, hey do you hear that?”
“What”
“The thunder all the way in the ocean looks like its raining over there”
“Yes you’re right”
They sat there for a few minutes looking at the moon’s reflection on the ocean and listening to the thunder far inside the ocean. Suddenly Elisa’s phone rang, and it was her sister. “Where are you” she said”. “I’m with Randy” Elisa replied.
“Mom is looking for you, what time are you coming back?”
“I shouldn’t take long”
“Ok hurry up”
Randy looked puzzled, she explain to him what was going on with her mom and under what circumstances she was on the date with him. He understood and took her back home. They were riding in the car listening to music, and talking, laughing, and saying to each other how fun it was to spend the afternoon with one another’s company. When they got to her house, he told her he would like to see her again if it was ok with her, and with a big smile on her face Elisa said yes, without thinking if she was going to be allowed by her mom.
They hugged good bye, and after that night they keep in contact ever since.

Is the only thing I can remember

Después de meses de ausencia, al menos vuelvo a postear, aunque las cosas han cambiado para algunas, siguen estáticas para otras o con nuevos tropiezos.
Personalmente puedo decir que está en nuestra naturaleza por eso no me saco el [RLG] del nick porque un día lo hice y me pegué contra la pared, pensando en francés y escuchando canciones absurdas. Vuelvo al inicio, sin retorno así el peso de las circunstancias paralelas sea cada vez mayor.

Respiro? Camino o deambulo?
Los días se vuelven más grises y es más dificil sonreir o intentar pensar que todo queda atrás y que hay que levantarse, las circunstancias paralelas definitivamente tienen más peso y no hay nada ni nadie al otro lado del muro....

La Realidad Distorcionada...

Un buen ejemplo de realidad, mas un poco de estupides humana

nos lleva a un camino ireal mal planteado...

Nunca nos damos cuenta, pero es lo que hacemos todos los dias para sobrevivir en un mundo real, lleno de basura impuesta por la sociedad, la vanidad y una mascara bien puesta sobre tu cara es el mejor escudo para sobrellevar la realidad.

La pregunta no es ¿Por Que Lo Hacemos? si no ¿Por Que No Nos Damos Cuenta De Lo Que Hacemos?, acaso nuestro subconciente esta tan lleno de basura social como para no darnos cuenta de las personas reales que somos? incluso de las personas reales que tenemos enfrente?

Cuantos de nosotros jusgamos a la gente solo por su apariencia personal, nunca los llegamos a conocer lo suficiente como para quitarnos la mascara y demostrar quienes somos en verdad, en lugar de eso nos limitamos a seguir a las masas y fingir que todo dentro de nosotros esta bien... y yo me pregunto ¿De Que Diablos Nos Sirve Eso?

acaso finjiendo se acavaran nuestros malditos problemas psicologicos y existenciales?

Como lo mencione antes, todos tenemos una mascara, cada una diferente y construida con diferentes elementos que simplemente son parte de nosotros, pero nunca nos atrevemos a decir lo que pensamos, lo que sentimos... por culpa de quienes puedan tacharnos como deviles...

quien no a sentido la necesidad de gritarle al mundo que esta mal! que se siente de otro mundo! deshubicado! sin saber a donde ir!!

Quien no ah sentido la necesidad de simplemente escapar?

Pues yo si lo siento casi todo el tiempo, mientras mi mascara me permita no romper en llanto en medio de la calle, mientras me permita caminar con la cabeza en alto... mientras mi mascara no se quiebre como yo.

Tal vez sea una tonteria o mi estupides, pero aveces siento que todo me afecta de forma diferente a los demas, y obvio mi soledad, mi propia obscuridad no me ayudan en nada, al contrario me perjudican... aveces quisiera cambiar de cuerpo para poder saber que se siente ser alguien con exito, alguien seguro de si mismo, alguien sociable, alguien que salga a divertirse a un antro, alguien que no soy! pero que seguramente algun dia sere...

Y por si no se dieron cuenta estoy rota en pedasos, desilucionada, frustrada y temerosa de decir lo que siento y que al final no sirva para nada(ok! eso ya paso). Pero vaya! la vida es asi!, llena de piedras en el camino, con arboles grandes dificiles de trepar, pero nada termina en eso, siempre ahi mas, almenos de que muera.. xD

Se que saldre de esta, se que me reconstruire y se que alguien especial espera por mi y mi mente extraña para conocerla mas a fondo, y si me jusgaste por mi mascara, espero que nunca puedas ver la verdadera persona que soy, por que en realidad no sabes ni un gramo de quien soy.

.:perlizzh!:.

Falta de aire

Si no mal recuerdo, esta es la primera vez que escribo aquí, a pesar de que ya tengo algún tiempo de conocer a las chicas...

Me agrada escribir, pero no tengo el suficiente tiempo que quisiera para desarrollarlo.

A veces muchas de las cosas que hago me parecen pérdida de tiempo. Esas veces en que me harto y quiero dejar atrás mi naturaleza demasiado inclinada a lo cultural y trato de ser y comportarme por un momento como los demás.

Pero ese sí que es un absoluto hastío.

No sé si les haya pasado que al tratar de ajustarse al "mundo" no se sientan del todo a gusto.

De seguro sí. Cosa que no sé si sea patética o graciosa, sólo sé que depende de la situación y la propia personalidad. A mí me da risa.

Al intentar estar "dentro" (como siempre me amenazan mi madre, me lo dicen las miradas de mis amigos o a veces de plano por cuestiones sociales tengo que hacerlo) me siento como dentro de una alberca repleta de agua...

Sí, una alberca!

Como sumergida en algo que a la larga parece molesto, que no me da la suficiente libertad, que si me descuido me puede matar...

Extraño?

No. Vayamos a donde no nos gusta o no nos han llamado y probablemente nos sintamos así.

Traigo todo esto a cuento porque acaban de iniciar las clases. Las clases de mi último año en la actual carrera. Espero sobrevivir.

Justo hoy me senté con unos compañeros, y de repente me sentí dentro de una burbujita mientras ellos hablaban y hablaban sobre computadoras y cosas por el estilo.

No es que no me agrade la tecnología (tampoco la adoro), pero creo que en ese momento en mi cabeza sólo sonaba alguna genial canción y mi estómago suplicaba por una rebanada de pastel de chocolate.

Así quiero ser, siempre distraída, riendo y tarareando, porque así me siento feliz.

Pero la vida es cruel...

Y las tareas llaman.

Cumplí por hoy!

Espero pasar pronto por aquí...

Saludos a todos ^^

+Morgana Smith+